Is the merciless and unjust nature of dating causing you stress? Do you seek a bit more protection and predictability in your romantic interactions? In a world where commercial contract law governs, we have the perfect legal advice for all of your most common dating scenarios.

1. Implied-in-fact contract

The facts: He gets your number from a friend, and asks you out on a date. After inviting you to a sushi bar on Friday night, he pays for the meal, walks you home to your apartment, and accepts your invitation to “come upstairs for a drink.” You sit beside him on your couch for the next two hours waiting for him to make a move.

The law: A person may recover where the parties have a contract based on a tacit promise, one that is inferred in whole or in part from the parties’ conduct, not solely from their words.

Analysis: In this post-college world, single acquaintances rarely just kick it platonically. And, no one takes a non-birthday-having friend out to dinner, unless he is trying to flaunt his wealth, which, judging from the hole in his sweater, he isn’t. There are still activities reserved for budding friendships—Sunday afternoon coffee, museum visits, lunch—but a weekend dinner is an unambiguous date. If he wanted to end the date, he could have simply said that he was too tired. Yet by eagerly following you upstairs, he committed to at least first base.

2. Promissory Estoppel

The facts: He says, “Let’s hang out this weekend.  I’ll call you.” You buy a new push-up bra and cancel all your weekend plans. He doesn’t call.

The law: A person may recover, even in the absence of a formal contract, under promissory estoppel when one party foreseeably induces detrimental reliance of the other.

Analysis: He should have known (let’s be honest, he knew) that you were going to make time to see him. When was the last time you told him that you were too busy to hang out due to your very active social life and that he should have anticipated this consequence when he failed to make concrete plans? Literally never. At least submit a copy of the bra receipt for reimbursement.

3. Misrepresentation as to a Material Fact

The facts: You’re browsing OkCupid and a bespectacled graduate student in French literature chooses you. His profile says that he speaks both English and French fluently, and you start to let yourself hope. You imagine your life as a Proust scholar’s wife, where you wear striped tunic dresses and play pétanque along the banks of the Seine. The next evening, you receive a message from your new flame, which reads, “you’re but is HOTT.” Your profile picture is a headshot. You decide to cancel your OkCupid account.

The law: A person may recover when one party makes a false statement of fact that foreseeably induces detrimental reliance of the other.

Analysis:  Even I have a hard time sympathizing here, because you should really know by now that no one on OkCupid speaks English fluently. But let’s assume you’re new to the world of online dating, and you still think that people are capable of accurately describing their attributes when trying to attract strangers. I can see how you would lament all those precious hours wasted, fantasizing about your sophisticated, francophilic future. Time you could have spent writing your next chef d’oeuvre! Or, folding your laundry! Demand to be set up with someone else in the French department.

4. Implied Warranty of Fitness

The facts: You meet a cute-but-nerdy boy at a mutual friend’s birthday party in a noisy bar. Because he’s 6 ft 2 and you’re 5 ft 1, most of your interactions consist of lascivious head-nods. He seems a little quiet, but he’s wearing a grey American Apparel t-shirt, so you decide he’s nice enough. At dinner the following week, he tells you he’s into sexy role-playing of Ayn Rand characters. Like, really into it. He doesn’t understand why you’re getting up to leave.

The law: A person may recover when goods received do not conform to the standards of the trade.

Analysis: There are certain things you shouldn’t have to tolerate in the dating business. Creepy sex fetishes within reason, sure, but this is not light choking or casual watersports. This is too weird even by New York standards. You don’t have to look back.

5. Unenforceable Contracts

The facts: You meet an amazing guy, and you start dating. After introducing you to his childhood stuffed animals and naming every freckle on your body, he says to you, “Just so we’re on the same page, this is casual, right? I am [not ready to be in a relationship/ still in love with my ex-girlfriend in India/ like a bird / a sociopath].” Without thinking, you say, “Yeah, of course,” and you fall asleep in each other’s arms, Notebook-style. But then three weeks pass, and he’s becoming distant. He’s spending fewer nights at your apartment, and barely sexting at all. You want to call and ask him what you possibly did wrong. And, whether he knows that you’re too good for him. And, that you only dated him in the first place out of pity. Your rational side tells you, however, that since you didn’t speak up, in a moment of weakness and confusion, when he disclaimed all liability for everything forever, you don’t have the right to be upset.

The law: Contracts that disclaim all liability for injury are void as against public policy.

Analysis: He is responsible for everything you feel. Go ahead and drunk dial him at 3 AM in a raging fury.

—
By MQ