“Are your parents okay with it?”

That’s usually the first thing people ask when they hear that Alice’s boyfriend is white. And more often than not, it’s another Asian girl who’s asking. The question might be surprising, even shocking, in a day and age where judgements are supposedly no longer based on race (we can discuss whether that’s true a whole other time). Yet, it might also feel natural, since many Asian parents would rather their child date someone of their own ethnicity.

A conservative attitude? Perhaps. But is it racist?

It’s a question of communication

Alice: It might feel that way sometimes, but I think for the most part, the core of the matter has nothing to do with racism and everything to do with the importance of family and the desire of our immigrant parents to communicate with their in-laws. It’s not just the English language gap, but also differences in expectations and behaviors.

For example, my parents grew up in a world of multi-generational families where girls “left” the family to become a part of someone else’s. Though they don’t expect me to literally move into this kind of household anymore, they certainly think that were I to get married I’d spend more time pleasing and taking care of my new set of parents. The Chinese also care a lot about “keeping face,” the rough equivalent of “manners” in American culture. Things like giving compliments, offering to pay and showing respect to elders carry so much more weight to my parents than to my boyfriend’s parents.

I often feel that our parents have to do a delicate dance around each other, with mine trying to perform their duties and avoid any American faux pas on top of Chinese ones.

Where to draw the lines between culture, values and race?

Ahalya: I’ve had many discussions with my family about this. There are definitely some cultural backgrounds they are more comfortable with and others they view as “too different” from their own, which gets conflated with racial differences as well.

I think there would be no issues if I dated someone from a secular background. On the other hand, there could be a problem with me dating a Muslim of any ethnicity.

Not only because I am from a Hindu background and this already represents an inflammatory divide, but also because we associate Islam with very fundamentalist beliefs.

My family would probably be alright with Hispanics, both racially and culturally, given that Hispanics often share many of our own family-oriented values; although, if my boyfriend or fiancé were a strict Catholic, that could again pose problems due to the strong religious differences.

Unfortunately, my family would have more concerns were I to date an African American. Here, I believe the trigger for disapproval would be related to both cultural differences and race. I suspect the fact that black skin is perceived to be so strikingly different, (although, ironically, more similar to that of South Indians than many other races), makes them immediate “outsiders” in the eyes of my family. As a result, they view African Americans as being completely different culturally as well, even though that might not be true and is certainly not any more true than in the case of whites or Hispanics.

Monica: A white male friend told me that he thought the public debate about intercultural relationships overemphasized race and didn’t pay enough attention to the role of religion. On two occasions, women who really liked him didn’t ultimately get into a relationship with him because their Lutheran parents and grandparents would have disapproved.

Jia Jia: My sense is that white parents probably distinguish more on value systems and less on race, while Asian parents generally conflate status with race– i.e. Europeans/ whites have higher status while everyone else/ non-whites have lower status.

When it comes to black people, the Asian judgment is racist but stems from pure ignorance rather than a belief in superiority and inferiority. I remember my Chinese grandfather saying at some point, “I can’t stand black people” but he honestly didn’t have a clue why. It’s almost like he saw an alien and went “Ew!” Whereas, if you talked to him about any other culture/ race, he’d at least be able to tell you why he approved or disapproved.

Racial status shifts depending on where you are

Monica: I believe the way Asians categorize themselves changes depending on the context. The “whiter” you look (in skin color or features), the higher status you have. You can see it with the mestizas in the Philippines. When they are in Asia they are considered to be “fair” yet when they go to a Caucasian country their skin tones and features are labeled as “dark” or “other.” The mestiza complexion signifies power and wealth in one situation and working class/ immigrant in another.

The power of class

Alice:  I actually suspect that race matters to white families too, even if it’s not as prominent as in Asian families. I have an amazing relationship with my boyfriend’s family, and his mother often talks happily to colleagues about me and my relationship with her son. But his mother shared with me that when she shows them a picture of me, her white colleagues look surprised and confused—because she never mentioned my race. That’s when she’d remember, “Oh yeah, you’re racist…” Except that many people wouldn’t think of it as racism; given the tremendous history of slavery and the civil rights movement, there is far more awareness and concern about white racism in this country.

Could it be that white people have learned to frame their prejudices in terms of class and economics and not race?

Buffy: In terms of the white English middle-classes, yes, Alice, I think that racism is often masked by classism but not necessarily economics. I think that the upper-middle English-speaking classes are extremely skilled in hiding and being in denial about their deep racism because they prioritize class above anything else. But prioritizing class means prioritizing nationality, ethnicity, and race as well.

Persephone: From what I’ve observed, East Asian women are acceptable to liberal, well-to-do white families if they’re pretty, feminine, well-spoken, well-educated, talented, and “all-around-perfect,” adding a sort of dainty exotic cachet to the family. And better than their son in some demonstrable way, so they can see why he picked her instead of the “default.” They can’t afford to be in the “can’t-see-why-he-went-for-her” camp.

Race and perceived attractiveness

MQ: I’m curious about the intersection of attractiveness and approval, and I wonder to what extent they are both racially coded. I know that my mother has described certain South Asians, Middle Easterners or Latinos as attractive, but has never expressed a similar sentiment toward African-Americans (except Barack Obama and Beyonce).

So with the first group of non-whites, she clearly is able to understand how someone could be attracted to them, but would likely disapprove for socio-cultural reasons. This kind of racism is easier to remedy for Asian parents because all you have to do is provide them with some sort of context.

In the abstract, my mom would be uncomfortable with my marrying someone who was Latino, but after meeting and loving my ex-boyfriend’s Latino mother, the issue of racial difference never ever came up again.

Grandma knows best!

River: I had a funny conversation with my grandma once on dating and race. She was about 93 at the time and spoke very little English despite having lived in Canada for over 30 years. You’d think she would be the most traditional of thinkers.

I was over to have dinner and we were talking a little about dating. I remember her looking at me with a knowing glance while she asked (in what I thought was a slightly accusatory tone): “You like Indian and white men don’t you?”

I was taken aback because: 1) What a strange thing for your 90+ year-old Chinese grandma with her perfectly coiffed grey hair and impeccable posture to say to you, and 2) She was totally right. She went on to express her preference for “white sons-in-laws”, saying they were the best kind. It turned out that one of her mah-jong partners’ daughters had married a “Canadian guy” (which is how older Canadian Chinese refer to Caucasian Canadians), and he was by far the best of the sons-in-laws even though he spoke no Chinese.

I’ve thought about this often, and I think the reason she thought this particular guy was so great was probably (oddly enough) partially due to the inability to communicate verbally. He was probably stuck with having to bring gifts and demonstrating deference and respect through actions and big smiles because he had no other way to do so. As such, he likely came off as particularly nice and generous. I guess whatever the stresses of intercultural misalignment, we can at least count on our Asian parents and grandparents to be pragmatic and easily persuaded by material evidence!

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This conversation is inspired by an original article by Alice Li
Contributors: Alice, Ahalya, Buffy, Jia Jia, MQ, Monica, Persephone, River