What are our expectations for public displays of affection, and have we established a universal etiquette?

It’s all about context, obvz.

In certain places, such as in a nightclub, concert, big open space, or in a big group of friends, I think it is okay to even go a bit overboard with PDA. In a small space or in the company of one or just a few friends, family, or children, it is much less appropriate, as it makes other people uncomfortable and is totally unnecessary. I am happy to kiss passionately on a bench in NYC or in London but I did not let my boyfriend touch my hand on the streets of Dhaka. Context.

Dry hump all you want in large, dimly-lit spaces, but please keep your hands to yourself at future Bangladeshi in-laws’ dinner parties.

I can’t perform under all this cultural pressure.

My ex-boyfriend was Brazilian, and he always felt that I was never demonstrative enough. To him, to not “snog” (I’m afraid this really is the most accurate term for what was required) in public on a regular basis, was publicly embarrassing. For me, it was the opposite. While I absolutely enjoy a spontaneous passionate kiss, I cannot stand it if it feels like a chore. So in this sense, PDA became a bit of a culture clash between us, and though I loved to hold his hand, I ironically became less and less demonstrative in my dislike of fulfilling a cultural expectation. Even when things were not at all healthy in our relationship, it would still be demanded of me. Perhaps, in fact, I am too much of a romantic. I love always to be kissed with meaning. On the whole it’s not other people’s PDA that bothers me but my own—not so much whether I’m single or not, but simply what I experience. I know that I can feel sad when a boy doesn’t hold my hand and also irritated when he holds it too much. It seems with PDA I have high, psychically-demanding standards!!

Snog on your own passionate volition or not at all.

By context, do you guys mean hotness?

For me, while culture makes a difference in how I feel about PDA, as well as what kinds of PDA, and yes, the context, it often comes down to how physically attractive the people are or not. I know this will reflect on me poorly, but truth is, if the people are beautiful, I am less disturbed by their PDA than if they were ugly, in any situation and with any act. Comparatively, I would rather watch the PDA of beautiful people having sex in public than ugly people kissing in public. So, back to the fat, ugly people – for me, instead of excitement and titillation, I find it humorous and save the incident as a story to put into a compact package to guffaw about with my equally attractive friends and then secretly wonder at the cosmic unfairness of the world where two people judged by society to be less attractive than me get to make out and shove it in my face at a public park, when I more often than not am stuck alone in my apt, covered in popcorn, watching much more beautiful people than me fondle each other on network TV.

No seriously, only if you’re hot.

Though, to be clear, you don’t get a trophy for finding one reasonably attractive person to molest you at a bar.

The only people who need to witness my affection are my husband and me. We don’t need to display it to the whole world to get a stamp of approval on our relationship. I once observed a particularly annoying colleague of mine at a bar where he had brought his new girlfriend, and literally stood in the middle of the bar kissing her all night. I didn’t even get to meet her! Plus all he had to say about her was how hot she was. Talk about objectification and doing things for show!!

Hotness doesn’t excuse PDA if it’s all just one big self-promoting spectacle.

Not in my backyard.

I seem to have some combo of Chinese stoicism, allergy to sentimentality (or anything that can be misconstrued as such), British cynicism, and preference for privacy that makes me pretty much roll my eyes at any form of PDA. It’s not that I don’t appreciate displays of affection. They are just intensely private acts for me. And in fact, the more private they are, the more meaningful. I like the idea of keeping your deepest emotions for yourself and those close to you. Conversely, I like having my privacy and that includes not having other people’s intimacy thrust in my face. Unless, that is, those people are strangers who are also hot, in which case I could always commodify them as objects of desire onto whom I can project my twisted fantasies…ahem!

Just spare me. Unless you are both attractive AND anonymous.

Oh the perversion of reversion!

I mentally cringe slightly when I see the guy holding the girl’s hand, almost leading her on by a couple of steps, while she totters behind him in heels! And I think women didn’t fight so hard (and are still fighting) for you to revert to this!  You can totally see levels of “power” dynamic in the hand holding and almost work out the nature of the relationship from watching couples. Who respects whom more, who needs whom more. I think a lot of people secretly lose a tiny bit of respect for people who do more than touch hands or the shoulder in “grownup”-supposed-to-be-dignified social situations. As a society we have the utmost respect/ admiration for people who are good with a partner and good without.

The underlying patriarchal dynamics shaping your hand-holding practices are making us all very uncomfortable.

But it’s sadder when couples have cold, dead eyes.

I have to admit I get more affected if the couple does not seem to be affectionate. Blank stares, boredom, etc. I don’t ever judge the women but the man. I like PDA, and I in fact find it more elegant than the lack of it. Holding hands for me is a beautiful expression of togetherness, and I love seeing couples engage in such behavior. One of the joys in traveling to Paris for me was seeing how entangled the couples were. There seemed to be a grace of affection in their movements together compared to London where the average couple is so self conscious that they have to get drunk to show affection for each other sometimes.

There are worse things than showing affection in public, like all the horribly depressing alternatives.

Okay, okay, I draw the line at tongue.

In public, I do what I would feel fine with doing around my cousins and brother. This includes hand holding (which I do except when it’s really hot or we’re holding groceries or something), hugs, kisses (usually only on forehead or cheek, very occasionally on closed lips), leaning into the person but more in (hopefully) a cute way not a gross way, hand around waist, and head on shoulder.  I do not like it when I can see tongue. I think that’s probably my bright line: no tongues in public please! And no feeding each other in public. Ew. Something I love seeing in public is an older couple (like 70s+) that is out holding hands or cuddling and enjoying each others’ company. Reminds me of how love can last and you can still be affectionate when you’re married forever! I say more PDA from old people! (Just no tongues.)

I mean it when I say no tongue.  And no exceptions for you, Gramps.

Only universally accepted display of affection: Dashing elderly couple kissing—mouths closed out of self-respect, eyes closed out of passion—on a bench in an Anglo-American public park.

—
By Ahalya, Buffy, Charlie, Jia Jia, Monica, MQ, Persephone, River
Photograph by Pedro Ribeiro Simoes

Tags:  identity love relationships