New York, London, Paris and Brussels. Cities that in recent years and days were first rocked by terrorism then supported by Internet expressions of solidarity. And then there’s Ankara.

A week ago, in the wake of the Ankara attacks, James Taylor encouraged readers to imagine if the attacks had happened where they lived and asked people to reflect on their preconceptions, “It is very easy to look at terror attacks that happen in London, in New York, in Paris and feel pain and sadness for those victims, so why is it not the same for Ankara? Is it because you just don’t realise that Ankara is no different from any of these cities?”

Today, in the wake of the terrible attacks on Brussels, 11&more is reflecting on how we react to these traumatic events and choose to share or not share our emotions.

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How do we foster empathy?

Anna (author and music/arts publisher; London): This really got me thinking about how we prioritize empathy. I have Turkish friends on Facebook who had their profile pics changed for Paris, they haven’t echoed this event…We were discussing how AI would be making decisions, and what algorithm would make it more “human.” After this I wonder what type of algorithm (or brain surgery) do humans need in order to become really human.

Jia Jia (innovation consultant; New York): Maybe virtual reality will help. It’s been called the “empathy machine” and some of the pieces gaining the most buzz are about putting people into the middle of a situation like war so they feel what it’s like.

That said, I think that there’s no substitute for education and experience. And by education, I don’t mean learning about logic and skills in their abstract. I mean learning about other people and cultures from the perspective of human daily experience—not as abstract civilizations, regimes to topple or populations to “save,” but as real people whose integrity and intelligence we should respect, even if their frame of reference might be completely different.

Do we care more about an issue or our personal brand?

Anna: Would it be pushing too hard to say that some people think being part of Je suis Charlie and Pray for Paris is “sexier” then Je suis Ankara?

I mean, let’s face it, what is social media about? It’s about how “other people,” “friends” will perceive you. It is a personal branding tool. Many people think twice before posting, weighing up the loss of privacy against the “coolitude” of a friend’s endorsement. As points out, many Western people don’t really know where Ankara is. Some people might event think mourning Ankara would be labeled pro-Islamic?

Stephanie (researcher and policy analyst; London): It’s a brutal truth that Paris looms larger in the Western world’s cultural conscientiousness than Turkey does. That’s why our papers and social media care more about it…

Perhaps we do care, but we’re afraid of “getting it wrong.”

Buffy (writer, poet, artist, editor; Geneva): I actually found the Je suis Charlie movement quite uncomfortable and mixed in with some nastier facets of French nationalist discourse, so I’m not sure I’d wish that on Ankara. Pray for Paris however, yes—it was much more nuanced and directly linked to the public outpouring of grief.

I think it’s telling that Stephanie said, “that’s why our papers and social media care more about it”…because basically we rely on our emotions to be curated. We’re too afraid!! I really don’t think people don’t care—but rather that they don’t know what to think. People are just scared to make up their minds! Social media relies on sheep instincts, and if you put a step “wrong” then you’re sent to the pillory to have vegetables thrown at your face.

No one wants to be the village idiot and if you put a step “wrong” then you’re sent to the pillory to have vegetables thrown at your face. No one wants to be the village idiot.

Once social media swings one way or the other, it’s “unnacceptable” not to follow suit. Since lots of people do not know where Ankara is, they are afraid to “get it wrong” in case they are publicly torn down.

Stephanie: I don’t think it’s that our emotions are curated, it’s that our news is, and our news isn’t covering what’s happening in Ankara, hence people aren’t hearing about it and aren’t sharing information about it.

You’re damned if you do care, you’re damned if you don’t.

Buffy: I absolutely agree that our news is curated. However, I don’t think this is about news, but about people’s reaction to news on social media.

For me, hashtags such as #prayforparis are used by people to show their emotional solidarity with a cause. In this case, I feel the hashtag is silence—there has been no reaction. This speaks as loudly as the presence of a hashtag

In my view, people are too afraid to get something wrong, that they don’t engage. They simply do not know what to think—nor what to feel. I also do not know what to feel about this silence. On one hand I feel sad and appalled that people know so little, are too lazy to find out, are too insecure to form and voice their own opinions that they can’t extend the warmth and comfort of empathy in the wake of this horrific news.

On the other hand I feel furious with this pressure to constantly “appear correctly” in the public realm, to tweet the right tweet—it reminds me of Wharton’s Age of Innocence where Ellen Olenska is constantly scrutinised for signs of her true nature or her virtue,… one “expert” speaks about her dress, her morals, and her behaviour, and society spreads it as if it is the truth about her—it doesn’t allow for more than one point of view.

I also think why on earth should I be cross with other people for not sending a virtual hashtag of love to Ankara when I myself haven’t done so?

Instead of critiquing others, let’s look at our own personal behaviors

Anna: Very good point here! In French we say: “charité bien ordonnée commence par soi-même” meaning something like “In good order charity needs to start with ourselves.”

Jia Jia: Well I guess that’s a good starting point. For those of us who hashtagged for Paris but not for Ankara, what’s the reason for the difference?

I actually didn’t hashtag either since I never hashtag. In my psyche though, Paris certainly resonates more than Ankara since I know Paris better—both because I’ve lived there and because my Western news media talks more frequently about Paris as a modern cosmopolitan city and Turkey as a repressive regime. And I deliberately say “Turkey” as opposed to “Ankara” because I don’t think the Western media narrative on Turkey is nuanced enough to actually distinguish between a city and the country.

Nash (teacher, writer, community worker; the Philippines): I feel bad because I “hashtagged” for Paris—with a reminder that this should not be an opportunity to malign Muslims. I didn’t feel up to the task of “hashtagging” Ankara because there are so many issues all over my wall and I got worried that people would ignore it more. A few days ago, I read about the scorched earth policy being applied in Sudan—there was a call to have soldiers rape enemy women…no one seemed to care. In my part of the world, we can be archipelagic and a bit narrow-minded. Down South, a war’s been going on for decades and yet Filipinos can manage empathy with Parisians because they’ve vacationed there. I don’t know how to feel about this world where lives don’t matter equally.

Let’s get practical

Buffy: I guess I just feel that I don’t want people to feel bad for hashtagging one thing and not another, I just want people to show some love more politically and practically in real life. I don’t know how, (since we’re all working to pay rent and to keep up our residency status and the like) but that’s what I want for myself —so I extend that for other people too!

I didn’t hashtag paris, however, I was there that weekend and followed social media for updates on practical information and just to know exactly what was going on—I was saddened and shaken by the events, and had nightmares about it. With Ankara my priorities were more to know that my colleagues and friends who have family there are all safe and sound.

I do think that people are so confused about so many issues at the moment, that they are being so used by politicians from left and right, from arguments and discourses and photographs whereever we look, that the empathy drops off when people are unsure about their political stance.

There’s no real hashtag for Dunkirk, or Calais, despite the fact they’re only a few hours from Paris—because the people facing constant indignities and human rights offences, from the Police, from politicians, and from local racists, are refugees. They are marginalised, their position in the eyes of States is precarious, and their suffering is used against them by politicians hoping for our votes. Perhaps, the most important thing is to find practical sources of information and help, like this map for refugee volunteering?