With the rise of the #MeToo movement and the increased scrutiny of sexual relations between men and women, it’s no surprise that “Cat Person” by Kristen Roupenian went viral. Chronicling the disastrous short-lived relationship between the 20-year-old Margot and 34-year-old Robert, Roupenian details Margot and Robert’s pitch-perfect meet-cute, Margot’s growing disillusionment and disgust of Robert, her resignation towards sex with Robert, and finally her crude, hasty retreat from the relationship. The story ends with a final text from Robert, who follows Margot to her go-to bar: “Whore.” Naturally, “Cat Person” has set of a storm of questions from men and women who both sympathize and scorn Margot and Robert. Why didn’t Margot walk out of Robert’s house instead of having sex with him? Was Robert justified in his response? Did Margot truly give her consent? How could two people misread each other so badly? 11&more explores these themes and tries to parse through an uncomfortable, common-place interaction between a man and woman.

Tania: A lot of men are annoyed by the story. There is a twitter feed dedicated to it in case you want to check it out: https://twitter.com/MenCatPerson

Jia Jia: I understand why this story has set off a mini Internet culture storm. But I just wish that people would read the story instead of judge it or each other. I don’t feel like the story passes judgment on either of its characters. Yes, you get more of Margot’s point of view and it does end with Robert sending some dickish texts, but my main sense is that it presents a realistic situation that a lot of people can relate to. And there are never easy answers in these situations. Just lots of confused and contradictory emotions, some tenderness, and dynamics that two people have to work out between them. More understanding rather than arguing online would be good.

Tania: I think the Roupenian explains the exchange between Margot and Robert best—

That option, of blunt refusal, doesn’t even consciously occur to [Margot]—she assumes that if she wants to say no she has to do so in a conciliatory, gentle, tactful way, in a way that would take “an amount of effort that was impossible to summon.” I think that assumption is bigger than Margot and Robert’s specific interaction; it speaks to the way that many women, especially young women, move through the world: not making people angry, taking responsibility for other people’s emotions, working extremely hard to keep everyone around them happy. It’s reflexive and self-protective, and it’s also exhausting, and if you do it long enough you stop consciously noticing all the individual moments when you’re making that choice.

It’s in this context that Margot decides to have sex with Robert. In order to avoid an uncomfortable, possibly risky exchange, she “bludgeons her resistance into submission” with a shot of whiskey. Then, later, she wonders why the memories of the encounter make her feel so sick and scared, and she blames herself for overreacting, for not being kinder to Robert, who, after all, didn’t do anything wrong.

Jia Jia: I actually felt pretty bad for the guy. I think there’s a special kind of rejection—when you’re older, more over-the-hill, chasing after a bright young thing—that’s particularly humiliating. Yes—he’s older and should know better, but he’s obviously not on top of his shit. And neither is she. She’s young, a bit insecure, and, to the author’s point, carries the female burden of feeling like she has to empathize with him all the time—that combo drives her towards increasingly questionable decisions done half out of desire, and increasingly out of…er…pity and appeasement.

I feel like they’re both part of a screwy situation that they themselves created, but that’s also a result of the current social and technological context.

You’ve got official sexual emancipation for women without a recalibration of gender expectations, plus technology like texting that let’s you extend ambiguity. You end up with ambiguous dating protocols and bruised egos, which translates to sulky, insecure mean and apologetic, insecure women. These ambiguous situations can become risky fast.

MQ: I had almost all the same thoughts as Jia Jia. To me, the story was a portrait of a complete failure to connect—first the formation of unattainable ideals about the other, and then when that doesn’t work, a retreat into cruel stereotypes. And neither character comes off well!
Margot is like, “Lol I’m having sex with this fat townie, and I bet he’s super into my hot bod, which is way too good for him. Can’t wait to laugh with my future boyfriend about what a loser he is.” She is only attracted to him in moments when she’s able to justify the romance to her ego (by being a precious thing or having a foil for her smooth young body), which is not the most sympathetic behavior. Of course, the interaction is tainted with gender-specific behavior –for Margot, the endless accommodating, and for Robert, first subtle and then not-so-subtle misogyny—and it was wonderful to see those things described with such skill and precision. It’s not a moral tale or part of a greater crusade.

Tania: Agree. I found the female character’s youthful narcissism a little cruel.

Yes—Robert lashed back at Margot in a misogynistic way as you point out. But he was sketched with such loose lines that one could fill his character in as one pleases. When I thought about it, I kept wondering why she didn’t just walk away at any point since she claimed to lack interest in this interaction. This brought me back to the author’s comments about women trying to avoid conflicts without ruffling any feathers and doing so without even thinking about it. It was interesting that the Internet response made it seem like sort of “#metoo” moment, but I felt consent was given here by both parties.

Neha: I’ll play devil’s advocate and be firmly in Margot’s corner. We all admit both acted badly, but the difference in my mind is that Margot is 20 and Robert is 34. There’s an inherent power difference that comes from being a young adult woman with an older man in a patriarchal society, and I felt like Robert fully takes advantage of this. There are “Roberts” in this world—men that fly under the radar and are seen as harmless because they don’t vocalize their misogyny. In other words, the “nice guys,” who feel like they are owed something for being minimally decent. I think this type of misogyny is the most dangerous since it’s not overt enough the call out, so it persists. Losing sight of this perhaps reduces the greater culpability I believe Robert should have in the story. Perhaps Margot should’ve been less ambiguous and clear to Robert that she isn’t interested. But in the story text, it doesn’t necessarily indicate that Robert would’ve been receptive. If anything, it is shown multiple times that Robert dismisses Margot’s frustrations, concerns, and suggestions. This particular exchange rubbed me the wrong way:

‘ She stood, abashed, as he came back over to her. “Sorry!” she said. “This is so embarrassing.”

“How old are you?” he demanded.

“I’m twenty,” she said.

“Oh,” he said. “I thought you said you were older.”

“I told you I was a sophomore!” she said. ‘

Robert implicitly guilts Margot because of her age—which a reader could argue Robert may have known perfectly well about. The author puts enough ambiguity that it could go either way. The scene ends with Robert giving her a kiss on the head to reward her for her penitence. Margot comes out the exchange feeling like he went above and beyond for simply not thinking she’s an “idiot.” It’s a bit too manipulative for my taste, and the power balance is what made me nervous for Margot when they head to his house.

Jia Jia: For me, what made this read interesting were certainly the nuances. I definitely feel that the author is on Margot’s side overall, because I feel somewhat more sympathetic to Margot, and it’s the writing that’s making me feel that. But I’m only somewhat—versus a lot—more sympathetic to Margot because Roupenian did a fabulous job of taking me inside the entirety of Margot’s thoughts—including her narcissism, and that’s why I really respect the writing—because it presents you with a flawed heroine and pathetic antagonist whom you almost start to feel sorry for.

Regarding systemic imbalances, Margot’s definitely at a power disadvantage in terms of age gender. But she is vastly intellectually more powerful than Robert, though she doesn’t fully realize it until later in the game. It’s subconsciously there, though, particularly in the moments when she’s catering to him. At one point, in describing how she’s saying stuff he wants to hear, Roupenian writes, “The effect of this on him was palpable and immediate, and she felt as if she were petting a large, skittish animal, like a horse or a bear, skillfully coaxing it to eat from her hand.” Hilarious put-down if ever there was one. I think Roupenian is skilled at showing how Margot’s simultaneous insecurity and sense of power fuel each other subconsciously.

Another thought I had was that I’d love to read a companion piece to this written from Robert’s point of view. An honest portrayal of that would be a really interesting deep dive into the paradox of a certain kind of male ego.

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Edited by: Neha

Tags:  dating feminism gender social expectations women's rights